


In hindsight

by ExtraSteps



Category: All American (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 16:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18014411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtraSteps/pseuds/ExtraSteps
Summary: Asher wants to make things right.





	In hindsight

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Jordan sighed, head turning slightly as he saw Asher leaning against the doorframe of the locker room. He’d thought everyone had left ages ago. Clearly not.

When Jordan didn’t reply, Asher’s eyes narrowed further.

“Are you seriously still pissed? Dude, just tell me what to do and I’ll fix it.”

“Why?” Jordan turned, throwing the towel that he’d been using to dry his hair with onto the bench behind him. “What’s the point, Asher?”

Asher frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You’ll just fuck it up again!” Jordan said, his voice raising, the ire in his chest spreading through his body like fire, making his blood boil. “Every time I think we’ve sorted it out, there’s another thing. There’s always gonna be another thing. Well you know what? I’m done. I’m calling it.”

Every word had been like a physical blow, striking true. Asher’s eyes watered, his shoulders turning in. Jordan felt a flash of pity but hardened himself. He was done with Asher and his mind games.

“You don’t mean it,” Asher whispered, his face pale. “Please Jordy, say you don’t mean it.”

Jordy - Asher hadn’t called him that for years. Not since that fateful day all those years ago in middle school when wrestling on the bed had turned into a long, questioning look, and Jordan leaning down, slowly, so slowly.

Asher had whispered his name, barely more than a sigh, but Jordan had felt in his bones, reverberating up and down his spine. Their lips had brushed, and it had been perfect.

Jordan still woke up sometimes, hard and aching, remembering the sweetness of it, the longing to deepen the kiss. But Asher had pulled away, had pushed him off, avoiding his eyes.

“I’m not gay,” he’d insisted.

With hindsight, Jordan had known it was Asher’s father talking. But at the time he’d been devastated, and they’d lost that true closeness.

Not long after, Asher had started dating Layla, and if their eyes lingered a little too long sometimes, well, no one had noticed.

So for Asher to call him Jordy now…

“Don’t,” Jordan said, his chest tight, choking him. “You don’t get to call me that, not anymore.”

“Jord-”

“I said no,” he yelled, glaring at Asher, the other boy blurring strangely, like Jordan was seeing him through distorted glass. His voice broke. “Please, I can’t stand it.”

His strength gave out then, and he dropped back onto the bench, clenching his fists to stop them from shaking, screwing his eyes shut to stop the flow of tears.

At the first painful sob, strong arms came around him, and Jordan melted into Asher’s warm chest despite himself. Asher hushed him, soothed him with a hand stroking through his hair.

“I can’t,” Jordan whispered. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“I know,” Asher said. Beneath Jordan’s cheek, Asher’s heart was racing. “No more secrets, no more lies.”

Jordan said nothing. He’d heard that before.

Asher choked a laugh as if he’d spoken aloud. “I know right? Rich, coming from me, but I mean it this time.”

He went to move back so that he could look up and see Asher’s face, but the arm around his back tightened, keeping him there.

“No, I-” He felt Asher shudder. “-I won’t be able to say what I need to with you looking at me.”

Jordan was tense, but he waited, giving a slight nod to show that he understood.

“Me and Layla, it never worked. I was affectionate and I kissed her and romanced her but I think she could tell that my heart wasn’t in it. As soon as Spencer came along, well, that was the end of it. The way he looked at her, the way he saw her, I could never hope to compete with that.”

He spoke quickly, his voice cracking every now and again, but he kept going, needing to get it out.

“And then Olivia-”

Jordan tried to pull away. He didn’t want to hear this.

“No, no please, listen to me, Jordan,” he begged.

“She’s my sister.”

Asher tensed. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I think that’s why-”

Jordan exploded. “ You sick bastard!” He shoved Asher, hard, getting to his feet and glaring at him, fist cocked and ready to strike.

But Asher didn’t even put his hands up to defend himself. He looked resigned.

Abruptly, his anger vanished.

“Tell me.”

Asher nodded, his face pale, shaking. “We didn’t have sex. She stopped me before it got too far.”

“But she said-”

“Then she’s lying, or she doesn’t remember. She stopped me. She was kissing my neck, grabbing me, trying to pull me inside.”

Bile rose in Jordan’s throat.

“I had my eyes closed,” Asher whispered. “I wasn’t thinking about her. I was in bed with you, and I said your name, and she just laughed and shoved me away, said your room was down the hall. I sat up, I don’t even know what I was gonna do, deny it probably, say it was a mistake, but she was already asleep.”

Jordan shuddered. He closed his eyes, feeling raw and exposed, like someone had taken sandpaper to his insides.

“It wasn’t a mistake that I said your name,” Asher continued. “It was a mistake that I’d touched her in the first place, that I’d dated Layla, that I didn’t pull you down and kiss you back that day.”

He could tell without looking that Asher was crying, could hear it in his voice, the way it cracked.

“I’ve been running from that mistake for a long time now. Jordy, look at me. Say something. Please?”

“Say what?” Jordan asked, opening his eyes and scrubbing the back of his hand over his cheeks. “That you fucked up? You did, Ash.”

“I did,” Asher agreed, moving closer, eyes wide and filled with a hope that clawed at Jordan’s composure, what little he had left of it. His lower lip wobbled.

“Say it isn’t done between us,” Asher pleaded. “Say you’ll give me another chance.”

He studied Asher’s face, feeling helpless. He should say no, he should turn him away, he should be strong.

Asher had always been his weakness.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Ash, this isn’t a good idea.”

But he hadn’t said no, and Asher’s face brightened. He stepped closer, those green eyes piercing his, holding him captive. “Can we try?”

Asher reached for his hand, fingers brushing it hesitantly. His palm opened, and the relief in Asher’s eyes as their fingers intertwined was palpable. He looked down, Asher’s pale skin stark against his.

“You’re just gonna break my heart again,” Jordan sighed, shoulders slumping. But Asher’s hand stayed in his, warm and comforting.

When he finally looked back up, there was conviction shining in Asher’s gaze. “Not this time,” he said, looking at Jordan like he hung the moon. “Not ever again.”

He’d missed Asher looking at him like that.

Asher didn’t kiss him. It was probably a good thing; Jordan still wasn’t sure if he even wanted him to.

It had fucked him up, Asher pushing him away.

He let Asher’s hand go to turn around and grab a hoodie from his locker, pulling it on. He shoved the rest of his stuff into his bag, looped it over his shoulder.

And Asher was still there, giving him that Asher smile, hand held out for Jordan to hold.

Jordan melted. “Let’s go home,” he said, taking Asher’s hand.

It wasn’t fixed, not by a long shot. But it was a beginning.


End file.
